Time To Walk Away
by Jennadrielle
Summary: Jamie knew her father was right when he told her to be fair to Landon. he had a life to live while hers was over. as much as she loved him, she was willing to walk away from him and not let him suffer with her.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own A Walk To Remember

**Time To Walk Away**

I followed my father into the house, took off my sweater and went upstairs to my room. It was dark now, and I guessed that my father was downstairs in his study, checking his sermon over and preparing himself for Sunday's service. I lay on my bed and just looked up at the ceiling, thinking.

_My father was right._

I had to be fair to Landon. I couldn't lead him on like this without letting him know that I wasn't gonna be here much longer.

_He had a right to know._

And although it pains me to tell him, I must. It wouldn't be fair to trap him like this. To let him love me when I couldn't love him back. I was dying. I was 18 years old and I was dying. I didn't want him to suffer with me. He still had a life to live, his dreams to pursue. Mine was over. But I never wanted this.

I was willing to accept this burden that God had given me to bear. Only now, everything was different. Now everything changed. I wanted to live. I would do anything – give away everything I possessed – just to live my life with him. It was never in my plans or on my lists to fall in love with Landon Carter, but I guess I did anyway. And now I couldn't imagine my life without him. And I knew it was selfish of me for not wanting to give him up. To just let him think that I died in my sleep or something like that. But he should have the choice. He didn't have to waste his life on me. I knew it was gonna be hard to let him go, but if I truly loved him, – and I did – I would think more about what this would do to his life than what it would do to mine. I would let him go.

After much thought, I resolved to tell him the truth tomorrow. And no matter what his choice was, I would love him to the end of time – even after death. And with that, I cried myself to sleep.

The Next Evening

After he picked me up, we walked the streets for a while. I couldn't speak. I was afraid if I did I wouldn't be able to hold back the tears that threatened to leave my eyes and run down my cheeks. I wouldn't give myself away. Not yet. I was trying my best to gather up enough courage just so I could push him away. I had to be strong for him. We walked down a lonely alley. Divine Providence interceded for me when Landon decided to break the brooding silence that penetrated the air.

"You, worried about your college applications?" he asked conversationally.

"No," I replied simply, "I'm not applying to college." This surprised him.

"But you said-"

"No. you assumed."

"You take a year off? Try the Peace Corp thing?" I couldn't find words. _Was this really the right thing to do? Could I tell him?_ I knew the answer already. _Yes._ I had to.

"No." I barely whispered. I kept on walking and soon realized he had stopped. I slowed my pace and turned to face him. So this was it. This was the final moment. This was all I had left with him. And it wasn't even going to be a happy ending. I kept my face blank and unreadable. It seemed to pay off, because Landon looked perplexed.

"Hey," he called gently, "what are you gonna do?" I took a short pause only for a minute, but it felt like an eternity to me. I took the time to really look at him, to see all that I was giving up. I would cherish this forever: his beautiful dark hair that always brushed up against my forehead and tickled me when we kissed. His deep, serene brown eyes that sparkled with joy every time he looked at me. His warm and gentle hands that were always intertwined with mine. And his smile was the most wonderful thing in the world. All this – everything about him that I had fallen in love with – would be gone in just a matter of minutes. My heart was breaking – I could feel it.

"I'm sick." I finally told him. I could feel that there was no expression on my face. For the first time, I felt cold, and empty. Before I met Landon, I had never felt this way. I guess it was because I never knew love. I never knew it could be this powerful…or this painful.

"I'll take you home; you'll be better tomorrow." He said almost instantly. He wasn't getting it. Why did he have to make this harder for me?

"No, no! Landon!" I talked over him to get his attention. I was starting to get impatient. I just wanted him to listen. Then I would run – run as fast as I could until my legs gave out…or my heart.

"I'm sick;" I repeated again with a more gentle tone this time but still very serious, "I have leukemia." I waited anxiously for his reply. He stared back at me intently to find some hint that I was lying. But I would never lie to him, and he knew it. He laughed nervously, unsure of what to say. I knew this would be as hard for him to accept as it was for me to tell him. It wasn't believable for him.

"No," he said automatically, "you're eight–you're 18; you–you're perfect." I could hear Landon stuttering as he tried to come to a perfectly logical conclusion that I didn't have cancer. I knew that nothing but pain would come from this. I went on, trying to keep myself calm and from crying.

"No, no. I found out two years ago and I stopped responding to treatments." His look gave me torture. It was as if someone had shot him in the chest and an enormous amount of pain was bursting from that look in his face. He looked away for a moment; when he looked back at me his face had changed from tortured to hurt. He took in a quick, sharp breath

"So why didn't you tell me?" That hit me cold. I was no longer going to die from cancer. I was going to die of a broken heart. I couldn't take much more of this. He was mad at me – mad because I didn't tell him. But how could I have told him? The one person in the world that matters to me? How could I have told him that my time was up when all I wanted was to forget that, for just a moment and just be with him? At that moment I just wanted to curl myself into his arms and beg him to forgive me. But I wouldn't hurt him any more than I already was.

"The doctor said I should go on and live life normally as best I could." I explained to him sympathetically, "I–I didn't want anyone to be weird around me." my tears finally streamed down my face; I couldn't control them.

"Including me?"

"Especially you!" I yelled fervently. He opened his mouth, searching for words, but I could tell he wasn't finding any. So I spoke for him.

"You know, I-I was getting along with everything fine, I accepted it, and then you happened!" I looked down at the ground, and then back at him. "I do not need a reason to be angry with God." I sobbed. He didn't say anything; and I couldn't look at him anymore. This was it; this was final. It was time to walk away from it all, to separate him from my life. I felt empty again and the pain shot through me like and electric circuit, causing so much pain, I wasn't sure if I could stand it. So I turned and ran…but the pain and emptiness followed me.


End file.
